


We move forward

by YvonneSilver



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief/Mourning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-23
Updated: 2015-02-23
Packaged: 2018-03-13 19:01:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3392702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YvonneSilver/pseuds/YvonneSilver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Merlin tries to cope with Arthur's death,  and finds that sharing his grief with a friend helps.</p>
            </blockquote>





	We move forward

It’s a week after Arthur’s death, and Merlin can’t sleep. It’s all he’s wanted to do for the past days, just sink away into unconsciousness and forget everything that happened. He can’t believe how patient Gaius has been with him. He's left food and water by his bedside, which Merlin generally leaves untouched. He has gently admonished Merlin to get up and at least wash, but Merlin can’t seem to find the energy. Merlin should be feeling guilty for what he’s putting his mentor through, but he can’t find the energy for that either. So he sleeps and drowses and hopes to somehow wake up out of the nightmare.

 

But not tonight. He stares out of the window at the waning moon, wishing for more dreams or at least numbing blackness, but his mind is satiated and his body is done resting. With what seems to cost him an unreasonable amount of strength, Merlin pulls himself upright. He runs a hand through his greasy hair. He should probably wash, but he can’t find the motivation to. All he wants is to flop back down, but for some reason he stands up and shuffles to the door.

Gaius is snoring lightly. Merlin doesn’t want to burden him any more than he already has, so he sneaks past him and out into the corridor. The castle is quiet, but whether that is because it’s nighttime or because it’s still in mourning, Merlin cannot tell. His head is heavy, his thoughts are dull, but his feet move of their own accord.

 

He only stops when he realizes he’s standing in front of Arthur’s door. He slowly raises his hand, as if in a daze, and is just about to knock when he realizes how futile that would be. Merlin presses a flat hand firmly against the grained wood, leans his head against his hand. How often had Arthur’s voice come from behind that door? How often had he called angrily for his manservant to attend him? How many times had Merlin rushed around the corner to see Arthur’s head poking out this door, dissheveled blond hair above an angry pout.

Arthur will never call for him again. His angry voice won’t ring down the stone halls. There is no use waiting outside his door.

Merlin pushes and though there’s hardly any strength left in him, the heavy door gives way. To his surprise, there’s a fire burning in the hearth, casting a warm red glow on the darkened room. He realizes why when he sees a figure sitting by the fireside - Gwen.

 

She gets up quickly, wiping away her tears, straightening her heavy velvet dress. Merlin feels a pang of guilt. He’s not the only one mourning, and she’s been having to run the kingdom too. “I’m sorry.” He mumbles, shuffling backwards out the door. “I didn’t mean to”  
"No, it’s okay Merlin, come in." She says kindly. How does she do that? Merlin wonders. How does she manage a friendly smile through her tears, a welcoming gesture into her private sorrows. Arthur was her husband, and Merlin, until the very end, just his manservant, yet he is more surprised to see her here than vice versa.

She’s still wearing her regal black dress, but her crown is on the small table in front of the fireplace and her hair falls in loose ringlets around her shoulders. Her eyes are red, but apart from that there’s little outward sign of her mourning. Merlin nervously closes the door behind him, suddenly aware of how scruffy he must be looking, but Gwen doesn’t say anything. She pats the bench beside her, and Merlin sits down next to her. They stare into the fire for a while, not saying anything. Gwen lets her head rest on Merlin’s shoulder.

 

"He loved you, you know." Gwen says softly after a while.

"Me, my lady?" Merlin stammers. "You know he was always yours."

Gwen lifts her head. “Please don’t treat me like a fool Merlin.” He looks at her, wide-eyed and mouth slightly open, but she doesn’t let him interupt. “I know he loved me, but he loved you” she hesitates “differently.”

"He loved us both." Merlin answers carefully.

Gwen turns away and looks into the flames again, as if the answer would lie there. Merlin follows her gaze as she speaks again. “Yes he did. We have to keep going Merlin. For him. It’s what he would have wanted.”

Merlin nods. “I know.”

Gwen gets up and picks up her crown in one hand. She walks behind Merlin and puts her free hand on his shoulder. “Good.” With that, she leaves him to his thoughts.


End file.
